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Saturday, September 24, 2011

EULA For Nicholas Rezanof Rinard Keene

Like EA recently did, as well as Sony, I would like to make a EULA for anyone who does business with me. This EULA will be updated over time, and I will send updates on it to anyone who signs up to receive such updates.
  1. By doing any business with Nicholas Keene ("I" or "me"), including receiving any payment for goods or services, you agree to the rest of this EULA, even though you were probably never told about it, and likely never read it. Although this would seem to violate the "meeting of the minds" required for contracts to be valid, apparently that legal notion no longer applies, because EULAs are regularly enforced against people who never saw, never read, and never understood them. So, to be perfectly clear, this EULA does apply to you.
  2. You can opt out of this EULA by never doing business with me. Never sell me a product, never sell me a service, never take any money from me, never become my business partner, never talk to me, never have anything to do with me. But if you do, this EULA applies, in all cases.
  3. You can never sue me, ever, for any reason, in any court anywhere in the world.
  4. No matter what your own EULA says, I can sue you, for anything I want, at any time, in any valid jurisdiction. To be perfectly clear, this clause is superior to whatever clause you have in your EULA, because right here I say so. Since your clause doesn't claim to be superior to this clause, it's totally legally clear that this clause wins.
  5. Any clause in your EULA which takes away any right that I might want to exercise, is invalid. In fact, let's get even stronger, and just say that your entire EULA is invalid. Remember, the fact that you've never seen this EULA, nor agreed to it, doesn't change the fact that it is totally enforceable against you.
  6. This is the most important clause: I always win. In any dispute between us, over any matter, no matter what, I always win. You always lose. How much more of a EULA do I need? This is pretty much the entire thing. I win; you lose.
  7. To receive updates to this EULA, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address you have on file for me, or simply bring me a self-addressed stamped envelope, along with cash or check in the amount of $50,000 for shipping and handling.

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